Monthly Archives: December 2013

“Time Spent with Cats is Never Wasted”

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December 28th, 2013

Yesterday my daughter had to euthanize her beloved cat Roo who had been born of a feral mother in my daughter’s back yard. She rescued the little black kitten and he lived a full and wonderful life in her home with the other resident cats, occasionally catching the reckless mouse. Roo was a beautiful sleek black cat, very suspicious of strangers but loving with his family. He lived for fourteen years before the tumors of oral cancer invaded.  I know the pain of losing a beloved cat, whether to natural death or to the saving grace of the veterinarian’s drugs, and I grieve with my daughter for the loss of her beautiful and loving cat.

So what do we learn from cats, besides the certainty of heartbreak and loss when these small creatures that we love are destined to live much shorter lives?

We learn how to relax and how not to hurry, how to stretch out and luxuriate in the sun, how to be utterly at peace with the world.

We learn how to walk in beauty, every step a lesson in grace.

We learn how to launch ourselves without hesitation into the world in one mighty jump, and how to curl up so that our backs create a circle that echoes the globe.

We learn how to focus, until the molecules of our bodies form an arrow of concentration on one small sparrow.

We learn that the pat of a velvet paw, all claws sheathed on our wrist, and the tiny lick of a raspy tongue on the inside of our elbow can signify a salute from one small nation to another larger one.

And we learn how to give our love and grieve and give our love yet again throughout the longer days of our lives.

Time spent with cats is never wasted.

 

Wherever You Go, There You Are

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Yesterday was Christmas Day, the fourth Christmas without Bill. I know some widows decide they have to start new traditions, change the old patterns because they hold so much pain. They leave their homes and go to other cities, or they go to the homes of friends and relatives, or they go to a resort or on a cruise.  Perhaps that works for some. But for me the Christmas celebration is intertwined with home.  It would be much more painful for me to leave than to stay home for Christmas.

And also I know that “wherever you go, there you are.” You cannot run from sorrow and grief, you carry it with you.  On the first anniversary of Bill’s death, I was in Baja, Mexico. I had not planned for that particular family vacation to fall on the anniversary week of Bill’s death, it just happened to be the only time that we could arrange for the condo rental. I enjoyed the ocean breezes, the sunsets over the beach, and time with my daughter and family. But my heart was heavy with sorrow, and finally at one dinner I sat at the table with tears flowing silently down my cheeks, while my granddaughter stared, puzzled, until my daughter explained.

I think it probably is best to do whatever brings you the most comfort. For me at Christmas that means decorating my home, baking the traditional cookies, inviting family and friends here. And I take comfort from the memories of all the Christmases that Bill and I shared together. If you are a widow, what brings you comfort during traditional holidays?

Now– facing the New Year is another story, and I will write about that later.

 

New Possessions

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A widow winds up buying some strange things. Here are some of the items I have purchased in the last three years, since my husband’s death.

 

  1. A snow thrower. My son urged me to buy one three months after Bill’s death. I used it the first winter, but the last two winters we had very little snow. I can start it and run it, though it takes some muscle to turn it around. And my son has to do the annual maintenance. This was an expensive purchase.
  2. A hand-cranked drain auger, or snake. So far I have cleaned out one clogged drain with this handy gadget, but it works well and is worth the money.
  3. A Black & Decker screwdriver, battery powered. OK, this one is still in the packaging, but I have a plan to use it very soon! The battery powered drills that Bill used are just too heavy and bulky for my hand.
  4. An electric pressure washer for patios. This works very well. The trick is getting a location to plug it in (extension cords don’t work) plus a water source with a long enough hose.  I wrote about this pressure washer in another posting, “Nothing Is Ever Easy.”
  5. An electric leaf shredder by Worx. This product is easy to set up and shreds dry leaves quickly. It is dirty, dusty, and noisy work, but produces good leaf mulch for my flower beds.
  6. An onboard fully automatic battery charger. I bought this for the old pick-up truck, at my son’s suggestion. He hooked it up to the truck battery, and I keep the charger plugged into household current. This was the solution to the dead battery problems, because I don’t drive the truck very often or very far. When people comment on the plug hanging out of the truck’s grill, I tell them it is an electric truck.
  7. A Black & Decker cordless electric sweeper for exterior hard surfaces. Lightweight and easy to use, I can clean off three patios in ten minutes.

And my favorite is? I think it is a tie between the battery charger for the pick-up truck (it is so nice not to deal with a dead battery!) and the electric sweeper. The sweeper has a slight edge because the patios need to be swept frequently, and this handy tool actually makes the job fun.

Here is the ironic part of this story:  for my 30th birthday, Bill gave me an electric blanket with dual controls. “Look!” said two and a half year old David, “an eyectic ba-ba!” I had given birth to our daughter two weeks earlier just before Christmas, and I really wanted something soft and feminine. I was not thrilled with an electric blanket, dual control or not.  I told Bill never to get me anything that plugged in unless I specifically asked for it.

Look at that list above. Six out of seven of these items plugs in.

Changes

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Today I gave a holiday party for my memoir writers’ group. We meet at my church the first and third Friday of each month, and have been doing this for over ten years. For the past four or five years, on the third Friday of December, we have held a holiday party after our meeting, sharing food and enjoying talking to one another in our church meeting room. Last year I had an inspiration and suggested that we adjourn from the church to my house, about five minutes away, for our holiday party. My little house was decorated for Christmas, there was music and candle light, and all thirteen seemed to enjoy the setting. So this year, I invited the group to my home for the party again.

 The thing is… if Bill had been alive, I doubt I would have invited them. This house was our home, and inviting a large group of people late in the afternoon close to what Bill considered dinner time (5:00 pm) would have been infringing on his space. Perhaps an extrovert would have been just fine with a late afternoon party for twelve strangers, but Bill was not an extrovert, although he was a very generous and warm host. It would have needed the kind of delicate negotiating act that any spouse in a marriage of many years would recognize.

 But now this is my house, my home. I can invite anyone here, any time that I choose. But oh how I wish that were not the case, that I could turn back the clock and have Bill here to say to, “What do you think about inviting my memoir writing group here for our annual holiday party next Friday? I think there are some guys you would enjoy talking to.”

 Now as I extinguish the candles and clean up the dishes, I think about loss and change, and I wonder how other widows view the bitter sweetness of new freedoms.