Category Archives: Personal essay

Carousels

The recent news stories about the Minnesota State Fair reminded me that my father took my older brother Kit and me to the state fair one summer. I must have been six or seven. We were living in Minneapolis at the time. 

I remember that it was warm and crowded and that we walked and walked. At one point we walked through the Midway, with tall painted panels advertising strange beings, like the Bearded Lady and the Tattooed Man. My father hustled us past those. Our destination was the carousel. 

I was entranced—-the music, the motion, the painted images at the top, the lights, the horses with their wooden manes, forever gliding up and down on their metal poles. That was my first carousel ride, with my father watching me. 

I have ridden many carousels since that day, long after I had given up more exciting amusement park rides. When my son and daughter were growing up, they rode the carousel on the Washington Mall, on our summer visits to the Smithsonian museums. Years later, my granddaughter Emma rode that same carousel in its new home in Glen Echo Park in Maryland. On my refrigerator door I have a photo of Emma age three on a prancing carousel horse, with Bill standing beside her, smiling and holding her securely. Forever going around to the music, while the painted pony goes up and down.

Usually the carousel figures are horses of different colors, but sometimes there are zebras or other animals. The last carousel that I saw—-but did not ride, because it wasn’t operating that October day in 2018—was in the seaside village of Cascais near Lisbon in Portugal. It was a beautiful small carousel, with horses, but also a bull, a giraffe, a pig, a donkey, and for little children, a swan and a rooster, all carefully carved and painted. 

I guess it is fitting for my love of carousels that I played the part of the carousel owner Mrs. Mullin in a community theatre production of Rodger’s and Hammerstein’s musical Carousel. My daughter Melinda was in the production, too, as one of the children, and we had fun going to rehearsals together and to the cast parties after the end of the run.

A wish: that I may ride a carousel one more time, before the music ends.

“…And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game…”

The Circle Game, by Joni Mitchell

January 8th, 2024

I am taking down my Christmas tree, two days after 12th Night, on the 8th day of January, and I am thinking of my mother, who was the creator of Christmas celebrations in my family when I was growing up. 

She was the first generation American in her family, with both parents immigrating from Sweden, and she brought to her marriage all the Swedish traditions of Yuletide celebrations—- evergreens and a fir tree in the house, packages wrapped in white and tied with red ribbon, a Yulbord on Christmas Eve. 

When my mother was growing up, there were journeys by a horse-drawn sleigh across the snow-covered fields to midnight services on Christmas Eve at the little Lutheran church in central Minnesota. Santa arrived at their home to the tune of sleigh bells. Family gathered on Christmas Eve, and extended family gathered for Second Day of Christmas. 

My father came from an English/Scots-Irish family in Arkansas, and I don’t think his mother made much fuss over Christmas at all.  

But my mother did, and she inculcated her four children with the rituals of a Swedish Christmas, though we never celebrated St. Lucia’s Day. We carried my mother’s  traditions forward into our own families when we married. 

All the ornaments now are off my tree, including the very old glass ornaments stored in a box labeled in my mother’s hand-writing, For Bill and Kristin. Now I am struggling with untangling the six strands of white lights from the tree, which has dried out terribly. It stopped taking up water at some point. 

My lower back is hurting. I have to sit down for a bit. I am 81 years old, three years younger than my mother who died on this day, January 8th, 1992, thirty-two years ago. I was at the hospital when she died. My sister and my two children were were there, too. It was a bright sunny January day. 

The last strands of lights are off the tree, and I spread a sheet on the living room floor, press my foot on the lever of the German made tree stand, and gently lift and lower the dried out tree to the sheet.

I haul the awkward tree bundle out of the living room, squeezing past furniture, and out the kitchen door, thinking of my mother on this anniversary of her death.

 Not long ago, I read that a person’s life span is not measured by the actual number of years lived, but by the ripples they created during their lives. 

If I look at the ripples my mother created with her Christmas rituals alone, those ripples will go on for a very long time.

 My older brother had two children, and they have four children total. I have two children, and they have three children total. My sister has two children and one of those sons has four children. Even if only small pieces of my mother’s traditions are carried forward, there are eleven in the newest generation to be the bearers. 

I drop the tree bundle on the kitchen patio. It now is almost dark. Tomorrow I will put the tree up in a corner of the yard, to be a winter shelter for the little birds.

I look up at the dark sky, and turn back to the house. Lots of clean up still to do. 

January 8, 2024

Kristin Moyer

Live Slowly, Move Simply, Look Softly

My house sitter Marcie knows how to relish and savor my home on the hill, perhaps better than I do, because I always have a long list of jobs I must do. I look around the garden and see all the weeds I must pull. Marcie who also is a gardener looks and sees the flowers.

In the mornings when Marcie is at my house, she likes to take her mug of freshly brewed coffee outside to sit on the wooden bench under the maple tree. Kali my old dog is still inside, asleep and snoring. From the bench Marcie can see all the birds who flock to the feeders: the cardinals in the bright coats, the chickadees who bob through the air, and the tufted titmice who wait on the branches. Sometimes the bluebird darts inside its special feeder for its treat of dried mealworms, and the downy woodpecker taps at the suet feeder. On the rough bark of the maple the white breasted nuthatch hops headfirst down the trunk, seeking insects. 

The world is filled with jubilant birdsong. Under the feeders the gray squirrels and chipmunks compete for fallen seeds. One morning Marcie was sitting so silently that the red fox who has a den by the fence came to the feeder for fallen seeds. It sensed Marcie’s presence, raised its head, and looked directly into her eyes before it turned and ran.

I think I must take my own mug of coffee and sit on the bench under the maple tree and open myself to the quiet morning.

Kristin Moyer

Written September 2013–posting November 2023

Sweden

June, 2023

I am sitting in the car which my cousin Kristina is driving along the highway, through the fields and woods of Vestergotland, near the shores of the great Lake Vanern.

I am looking out the car window at the landscape where my grandmother was born, and my great-grandmother, and her mother.

And then I am suffused with a sense of peace…I breathe in and out, not saying a word. 

It is as though my eyes are absorbing the landscape and then transmitting the view to all the cells in my body, down to the mitochondria beating out energy, these cells inherited from my mother, and in turn inherited from her mother, and through all the women in my maternal line. 

This great peace fills every part of my body. I feel my heart beat slowing. 

It is a though my body has recognized this land, and every cell within me is saying

“You are home.”

It is like nothing I have ever felt before. And the moment passes, and we drive on. 

Kristin Moyer

Vigil

I have been here before

No more desire to eat
No more desire to drink
Comforted by the warmth of bed

My beloved husband was dying and
I did not spend every minute with him
Too busy trying to keep it all rolling
Calling friends to come see him
Doing laundry for gods sake

While children and friends sat with him

Though in the night I was there beside him
The hospital bed pushed next to ours
So I could touch him
And hear the change in his breathing…

There is that

So now I stay in this room 
On a bright May day
With my dying cat
My sweet boy during the pandemic

No more desire to eat
No more desire to drink
Comforted by the warmth of bed


Kristin Moyer
May 27, 2023

A Lesson in Dying

I spend way more time on Facebook than I should, but there are rewards. Today there was a long list of Facebook posts I had made, from previous years. 

This was the last post on the list, from thirteen years ago.

“May 2, 2010: Today Bill planted four tomato seedlings. Emma and I went swimming, even though it was 64 degrees.” 

Bill was in the garden, planting tomatoes. The tumors were growing in his abdomen. He knew he was dying, and that it was very likely he would not see those tomatoes bear fruit. Nor would he eat any of it. But he believed in the future and the goodness of home-grown tomatoes. The cancer slowed him down, but it did not stop him from living. Bill knew he was fortunate, that not everyone could keep going.

Eleven weeks later on July 14, 2010, Bill died, in our bedroom, surrounded by family, held by love. 

And in late summer, I harvested the tomatoes that he had planted.

May 2, 2023

New Year’s Eve 2022

Over the bare hill 

In the fog

Beyond the dark trunks of the persimmons
Beyond the dens of the red fox
Beyond the pond with its crust of ice

The new year lies waiting

Tonight

With my birthday in tow

Perhaps a barge for this new octogenarian

Or a skiff

Or a kayak

Or a sailboat

To sail into the future


December 31, 2022

Let There Be Light

It is December, with the winter solstice approaching, the season of light!

But I am having trouble producing light here on my hilltop. 

First it was the four walk lights edging the pavers leading from my car park. All four lights were working, and then suddenly one evening, they were not. 

I went out to the electrical corner the next morning. The transformer was plugged in and its face was glowing, meaning it was getting power. I tried turning the switch to off and then on again, and the walk lights came on. I set the timer to six hours, and that evening the walk lights worked. 

But two nights ago, the walk lights were off again. I tried the same rescue operation, and last night the walk lights were shining again. For how long is anyone’s guess. 

Inside the house the Christmas lights are frustrating me. The set of wax candles on the mantel has fresh batteries but I can’t get the remote control to turn them on at five pm, for six hours.

I am having the same problem with the battery-powered candles in the windows. They all have fresh batteries, but I can’t get the remote control to work their timers either. Two worked, but not the other ten. 

Yesterday after reading the manufacturers’ instructions online, I learned the secret: you have to turn on all these candles manually at the base first before using the remote to set the timers. I waited until almost five pm, and then followed the instructions. And it worked. The house was lovely with flickering light. I will write a note of instruction and put it in the storage boxes, so that next Christmas I will not be frustrated. I am almost 80, and I forget things.

Yesterday I also brought the Fraser fir inside, set it in the stand by myself, and put on the strands of small clear lights. First I plugged in each strand to be sure the whole strand of 100 was working. But when I got the first strand carefully draped around the top most section of the tree, the second 50 lights were dark, so I had to take the lights off, muttering and climbing on and off the step ladder, and replace it with a new strand. 

Finally I had all the lights on the tree, and I sat on the couch to admire my work.

Bill had always put the lights on the tree, and Bill had set up most of the window candles—his favorite Christmas decoration and one that he was not in a hurry to take down after Christmas. Sometimes the window candles were up until Easter; they were the old plug-in kind.

This is my thirteenth Christmas without Bill, and it is hard even after this passage of time to make the light shine without him.  

I sit in the dark living room, the lights shining on the tree, the candles flickering on the mantel and in the windows, signaling to the dark sky and to the stardust that I am here. 

December 12, 2022

Where Do You Come From?

October 7, 2022

A few weeks ago, I was at a dinner party and toward the end of the evening, I launched a question: where do you come from? where have you lived? where has been your home? Each friend responded, and their stories revealed facets of their lives we previously did not know. Many of them moved frequently, due to parents’ jobs or vocations, and those frequent moves shaped them. A few grew up in just a few homes, in the same town or a few towns, and that also shaped them.

I returned to my own home that night, and thought about where do I come from. I grew up as an Army brat, and although we did not move as frequently as some military families, we moved about 15 times before I graduated from high school, living in five different states. You have to learn to make friends fast, or you don’t have any. You have to learn to be flexible and adapt quickly. It also provides perspective that growing up in one town does not give you. I certainly saw my segregated high school town differently from my classmates who had lived there all their lives. 

A song floated into my head the night of the dinner party, a hymn that we sing at my UU church. The title comes from a Paul Gauguin painting: Where Do We Come From?

Where do we come from?

What are we?

Where are we going?

Mystery, mystery, life is a riddle and a mystery.