January 23, 2014

Almost everyone has heard of the stages of loss and grief: denial and isolation; anger; bargaining; depression; acceptance. This model was introduced by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying and was meant to explain what terminally ill patients experienced as they faced their own impending deaths. Later the model was expanded to include other losses, including the loss of a spouse.  These stages were not intended to be linear, as though we are riding in a stagecoach, stopping at inns labeled Denial, Anger, etc., but that is the way many people think of them. Another way to look at grief is the roller coaster image: we are on a rollercoaster that drops into abysses of sorrow, but gradually over time the drops are not as severe and there are more spaces between. 

I know for me the first year after Bill died really was The Year of Magical Thinking, as Joan Didion titled her book about her husband’s death and the year that followed.  I read that book the second month after Bill died, and found myself saying aloud, “Exactly! That is exactly how it is!” From the outside I think I appeared strong and calm and highly functioning, but on the inside I wailed.  And at night when I was alone I wailed aloud. All I wanted was for Bill to come back. A friend who had been widowed two years earlier said to me sadly, “We think if we do everything right, they will come back.” Widows are advised not to make any major decisions in the first year, and that is good advice. In fact, make as few decisions as possible. I had a memorial garden created for Bill on one side of my driveway, with native plants to attract butterflies and birds. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but in reality it cost much more than I had budgeted and is very difficult for me to maintain.

 The second year is almost harder than the first, because by now we realize that the one we love is not coming back. It is going to be like this forever. At about the two and a half year mark I began to wonder if I had lost not only Bill but my essential self, the woman who was happy and optimistic, who made silly jokes. I felt as though I was wrapped in a gray mist. I knew I could not get Bill back, but what about me? Fortunately my church for the first time offered a grief support group that met for eight sessions. It was for anyone who had suffered a loss, so there was a mix of people, some very recently bereaved. I realized that I was further along the path of sorrow than I had thought, and I could reach out and help others. Before the third anniversary of Bill’s death I could feel myself whole again….as whole as one can be who has lost her beloved life partner.

 Denial, depression, acceptance…and a tumultuous ride on the rollercoaster of grief.

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.” Joan Didion